he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
