I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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