using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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