my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i came on her dog
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
