so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
