Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
