I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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