I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
