Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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