If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
