Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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