Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
