thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My bed smells like the plague
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
