can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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