WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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