A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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