i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
