On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
