Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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