Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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