so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
