I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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