No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
