dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
