When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
