woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
