i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can I color on your dick again?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
