I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
