There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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