Betty ford says i'm here all night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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