Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
