in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
