i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
