if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
