If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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