I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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