My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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