How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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