I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
