her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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