My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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