I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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