what if every blade of grass was a penis?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
