Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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