Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
