So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
worst night to have a conscience
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
