p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
