Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
