Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
