It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
